Things I've learnt #2: I am a control freak

I'm a control freak. It's in My nature to make goals, plans, conjure up exciting visions in my mind about conversations that will take place where ....well, stuff I dream about happens. Where God will do cool things to change people's lives; and of course, I will get to be a part of it somehow. I don't care how, just somehow! But I'm on the scene, in the picture.

Since getting chronic fatigue syndrome, I've been out of the scene, many scenes for a few years now. Those scenes where I can be with people, live life wildly and openly, fully, and verbally and practically share the love of Jesus; making difference wherever I go. So now,  it's like: "What the...?! Why? That really cool plan I had that I was working out with your help, God; that plan did not happen! How come? Don't you want me to be involved in this obviously helpful way? Aren't I useful to you? Weren't you into this plan, like you know, sharing Jesus' n stuff: isn't that what you want in the world? The harvest is plenty, the workers are few etc..? Seriously. Surely this isn't just all my idea?"

Unless I could be involved to make something happen, I just couldn't see how certain things could get done (if nobody else was doing them), those things that I believed God wanted. Retrospectively, I realise I did not believe God was really God.

Some ideas he didn't put in my heart, it was all my dreaming. Not bad, just good dreams. Ironically, though, many of those things he did put there. For example; starting up this outreach group for migrants and international students. Oh yeah. It started alright. God graciously enabled me to begin with a couple of people. But for some weird reason, I got sicker this year, so now I can't be involved. Now others are leading it. It's growing. People are being refreshed by international community, love and discovering Jesus. People are growing. And I"M NOT there!

Began as a small women's english group

It grew to be an all-inclusive bible study group ('09). It's bigger today, but I don't have photos!

I could be useful there, maybe? Or so I thought. But God has not allowed me to be well enough yet to be.
Maybe it's because he wants me to see that HE is literally the one in control, who has the plan, who knows that I'm just a tiny little weak item/package of flesh with a spirit, mind and heart that one day will be rejuvenated after dust- totally without my help.

Oh, I can still be involved! I can pray! God can use my circumstance and my heart for his glory, but he really doesn't need me to boss him around about his kingdom and what it's gonna look like with me at center-stage.

Oops God, sorry! (sheepish face)

That's lesson #2:)