lesson #3: Dying, death, mortality and more death....it doesn't have to be so bad!

Disclaimer: I am no emo (though if YOU are, that's fine with me). But it has to be said that death is inevitable. That is one thing that we can be certain of, no matter how much we might want to avoid being dogged about 'any one truth'.
And no average person I know actually wants to think about it, do we? I even avoid all the 'I'm sick' blogs, stuff riddled with unease and dis-ease.
 'My sister's keeper' with feisty Cameron Diaz and her cancer-ridden daughter just had me sobbing all afternoon. The movie is honest about the reality of death. It's sad, horrible and not right. The uncertainty is merely when, the sister narrates. The best question I've been challenged to keep asking myself lately is: How do I die well? That is, not only at my deathbed, nor as though 'this could be my last day, so how make it great?' (both these important), but also everyday, dying to myself?

All of our bodies are disintegrating that bit more everyday. I (having CFS) feel 'closer to death' more days of the year than those of us without ongoing illnesses, as another CFS friend said to me once. I can feel so flat, weak and lifeless that everything all could just melt; some hours, some days. It feels my life really doesn't have much to it at times.

This is not a pity plea. The point is, I'm actually finding this experience (especially lately) an opportunity to enable this confounding spiritual power to rise up in these moments. It's incredible. Don't miss out on this trip, if you're near death, or not!

I implore you not to ride this off if you're atheist or just not a 'spiro' sort.

Here are some actual, historical and seemingly unrelated facts that everybody should know about, I believe (christians, it's good to be reminded!).

• Jesus of Nazareth was whipped, abused and killed for claiming deity; being God- at around 33AD. He died. But he also said it was his father's divine choice/will, over-and-above it as a consequence of his 'blasphemy'.

• Jesus also claimed he'd rise from death. Destroy his 'temple' (body) and rebuild it 3 days later*.
• Jesus did rise from the dead 3 days later. (over 500 witnesses*, no body to be produced to negate this, impossible for him to get out of a stoned-up tomb alive, even if at best in a coma, people willing to die for the truth of it, the list goes on. Check it out for yourself here (simple summary) or read some books*.
• Jesus said it was for payment, 'as a ransom for many (people)' (Mark 10:45), a payment for sins, our offenses of high-treason again the most High God- namely 'we're God, not you, get stuffed!'. He said that anyone who believed in him (Jesus), would not die, but have eternal life (John 3:16), all because of God's love for the world; for us enemies so we could become friends again with God. It's a cosmic swap; we sin, Jesus pays for it in death. He rises to life, we get his life, his righteous identity and Spirit too, plus inseparable connection to God as children. Seem a little extravagant? Indeed. Unfair? Seems so. But God's justice is shown in that he didn't let horrendous crimes go unpunished (Romans 3:25)- they were on the cross. God certainly get's the raw end of the deal it seems. Very weird. Outrageous in fact. But it shows real LOVE, doesn't it?!

So if he did rise, and thus showing he is God and thus does give eternal life to believers,........

..then everything really, really is ok, as you trust him, whenever. It's a promise. Some promises I don't trust, like when some of my family members say they'll be somewhere on time, *ahem. But Jesus to me is always trustworthy, 'cos he's proven it. In history, and personally to me everyday. Jesus never promised a problem free life. His was riddled with our problems, so why should we expect better? Here are some promises for later, mixed with experiences for now, that believers have, that I've experienced even more richly through suffering:

Now: His indestructible life and presence within.

Later: fully glorious ('fully sic') bodies after we die (Think super-heroe style? Or not, up to you:)

Now; freedom and forgiveness, a love-filled heart and purpose, joy, hope, peace...

Later; perfect bodies, minds, jokes, relationships, water, animals and earth.. everything thriving in the beautiful, glorious, so-hot-it's-blinding light of Jesus the King.

This bible verse is a clincher: "...we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence." (2 Cor 4:14)

The closer I feel to death on some days, the stronger this hope also feels. “For we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that this all-surpassing power comes from God and not from us. (2 Cor 4:7)” That is one of the miracles for me now. I long for heaven more, am more joyful and full of peace. Though bed-ridden often, I'm really happy (of course I feel sad too, at times)! I love God and his ways more, and as expected, long often for this mortal body to disappear to be 'swallowed up by life'. I want that sooner rather than later often (*mutter: 'stoopid body!')!

But it's not suicidal. I actually just long to be with God now, and later too. That's probably the biggest miracle, my changed heart.

So how does this help me live well, and die well, daily? The bible talks about dying daily, as part of the life of Jesus. Oxymoron or paradox:

'For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus Christ's sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal bodies.' 2 Cor 4:11'

The author, Paul, here is talking about the persecutions that go with following Jesus, and the hardships.

So my conclusion is thus: it would be selfish of me to just keep this beautiful joy and hope to myself and just stay in bed (as I must, often), hanging out for heaven. I can't and shouldn't, though I'm tempted to. So this is the actual reason why I blog now. I wouldn't bother, otherwise.

God's love makes me want to tell everyone about Jesus, to trust Jesus; no matter how stressful, hurtful, horrible, sickly or deathly their/your situation is. For me to die to me, I need to forget my fear of you, of people and what they think of me in my 'preaching'.

God's love makes me a thankful for his grace and compassion to do such a thing for us. To die to myself means to respond with grace and compassion toward others and reach out, despite my own needs, despite the cost of energy it may have. To spend what little energy I do have on glorifying God, by loving others, praying for others, loving him.

Choosing to stay with a sick family meant we all had conjunctivitis eyes (can you tell?) and I was trashed.  But i felt for Jesus' love, it's a small example of dying to myself to stay and love, despite the costs on health.

I don't always do this, sadly. And sometimes I don't know how. I'm torn between keeping myself healthy (to be better for later things) and doing something now that I know will make me worse but will benefit others now. And sometimes I just do what's best for me! Selfish? Sometimes. Sometimes not. It's a grey area- the answer changes from day to day. But thankfully I have a personal spiritual advisor 24/7 for those kind of questions. I'm a slow listener, but getter better with maturation. And hey, at least there is a cost to count (ie. limited energy)! That's reassuring. It seems that everyone could call themselves christian and it not cost anything, and thus mean nothing, these days. 

So, glorifying God. Again, I'm a slow learner, but I do see changes as days and months go by. 


If you are not a God-nutter, have you thought about death and what it will mean? Have you considered Jesus' story, the evidence and his offer? All good things in this life will come to the end. If you join Jesus, only the best and unspeakable joy, love and much more will be given along with the hardships, and later so much perfection and more that is unthinkable to the most imaginative of us. 

If you are christian, do you have deathly, testing moments these days that can be embraced to meet Jesus in his death, and let him meet you there? The cross is not merely an access code to heaven, but a means of mentoring and helping us along the process of reaching our deaths.

 Are there any trials at the moment that can remind you that you are mortal, a brief moment in history (like grass on a 'black saturday')? And that this life is only 'a door through the last barrier (our earthly existence) that keeps us from eternal life and the radiant gladness of knowing our Creator face to face'? (Dawn, M; p226)

JESUS' DEATH WE DESERVED, he took

Any Bad events or even people that you wish didn't exist that can be used to draw you closer to God, to rely on him more, to pray more, to love him more than his good gifts (that might temporarily or permanently have disappeared, including this life)?

Any trapping addictions of your natural self that you can 'put to death' today with the Spirit's power? (Romans 8:13)


We have a great high-priest who has suffered everything. He understands the pain and weakness (read Hebrews, partic. 2:18). Get into him.

Refs:

The bible:


-the book of Mark, partic 8:29-30, 9:30, 31, 10:29-31, chapters 11 onwards..or any other gospel for that matter..
- 2 Corinthians 4


-The Case for Christ, Lee Strobel
-'More than a carpenter', Josh McDowell (for a short read...
-'Is the new testament reliable?' Paul Barnett.
-"Being well when you're ill: Wholeness and hope in spite of infirmity.', Marva Dawn. This book has provided lots of inspiration for this post. Credit here!

Things I've learnt #2: I am a control freak

I'm a control freak. It's in My nature to make goals, plans, conjure up exciting visions in my mind about conversations that will take place where ....well, stuff I dream about happens. Where God will do cool things to change people's lives; and of course, I will get to be a part of it somehow. I don't care how, just somehow! But I'm on the scene, in the picture.

Since getting chronic fatigue syndrome, I've been out of the scene, many scenes for a few years now. Those scenes where I can be with people, live life wildly and openly, fully, and verbally and practically share the love of Jesus; making difference wherever I go. So now,  it's like: "What the...?! Why? That really cool plan I had that I was working out with your help, God; that plan did not happen! How come? Don't you want me to be involved in this obviously helpful way? Aren't I useful to you? Weren't you into this plan, like you know, sharing Jesus' n stuff: isn't that what you want in the world? The harvest is plenty, the workers are few etc..? Seriously. Surely this isn't just all my idea?"

Unless I could be involved to make something happen, I just couldn't see how certain things could get done (if nobody else was doing them), those things that I believed God wanted. Retrospectively, I realise I did not believe God was really God.

Some ideas he didn't put in my heart, it was all my dreaming. Not bad, just good dreams. Ironically, though, many of those things he did put there. For example; starting up this outreach group for migrants and international students. Oh yeah. It started alright. God graciously enabled me to begin with a couple of people. But for some weird reason, I got sicker this year, so now I can't be involved. Now others are leading it. It's growing. People are being refreshed by international community, love and discovering Jesus. People are growing. And I"M NOT there!

Began as a small women's english group

It grew to be an all-inclusive bible study group ('09). It's bigger today, but I don't have photos!

I could be useful there, maybe? Or so I thought. But God has not allowed me to be well enough yet to be.
Maybe it's because he wants me to see that HE is literally the one in control, who has the plan, who knows that I'm just a tiny little weak item/package of flesh with a spirit, mind and heart that one day will be rejuvenated after dust- totally without my help.

Oh, I can still be involved! I can pray! God can use my circumstance and my heart for his glory, but he really doesn't need me to boss him around about his kingdom and what it's gonna look like with me at center-stage.

Oops God, sorry! (sheepish face)

That's lesson #2:)

#1 of Stuff God's Taught Me: Gratitude.

This topic is something that my friends have encouraged me to write about. So I'm going to try and do that. This will take weeks to write down possibly, so stay tuned. Dot-points are more easily digested. These come in no particular order, only what's immediate to my mind. Either you're interested in God, or interested in how illness or experiences change you. So hopefully I can satisfy both crowds somewhat but mainly be true in what I say!


 God has....

#1
 Taught me more about daily gratitude (thankfulness!) for everyday things that earlier on I took for granted. Things like air, breath, the ability to stand up or do something for myself. Australia, that provides the pension. A job if I want it. Friends who visit. Food. Family. Water. A roof and heater that works. People who don't abuse me. A spiritual family- my local church and other christians. The internet so I can remain connected to the outside world.

That's some of the basic life/material stuff.

Then there's the Spirit of God with me, despite how I feel. A bible for me to read and feed me. Jesus having taken my punishment on himself. Jesus' perfection given to me. God's patience, provision, gentleness and gracious Love, seen in the daily, occasional and often unexpectedly well-timed provision of all those things I listed in the first paragraph.

Pulling right back...

Thank you my Creator, thank you CFS/ME Oz. I've decided (with good counsel) not to work anymore. No more paid work for 6 months as a Speechie. And to think my boss is happy for me! A little volunteer admin for my clinic, yep- no worries! But no more pressure to get out of the house, dressed, fed, ready, help and engage with difficult dyslexic child, write, chat to boss, drive, home, crash! I'm so relieved, despite my ongoing need for a little extra cash (to top up the pension). Yeah, I'm being taught not to worry about money. My Big Brother happens to own all the assets in the universe so I'm trying to remember that.

For those with fatigue issues (be it CFS/ME, Fibromyalgia, POTS or other cause), please do check out this link from ME/CFS Australia on 'pacing'. http://www.mecfs.org.au//media/files/factsheets/English-Sheet4.pdf That is, pacing your activity/energy so that you not only survive, but allow space to heal and get better!! Yeah commmooonnn!

I should have read this document 3 years ago. My instinct was saying that even 1 client a week plus admin was too much (my current working level). Having checked an objective measuring scale of disability, I should be aiming for 50% of my capability each day, to get 'energy credit', kind of like a budget for savings, for healing. I've been using up all my weekly budget without allowing any 'slush' fund for my mitochondria (energy-making machines in cells) to draw from. Thus, when I bring myself into an energy deficit, I'm slowly decreasing what's left of any savings (if any) and making things worse. Well, that's one aspect of the picture, but a big one at that. The measurement scale told me where I was function-wise, and what I should be doing. I have not been doing 'less enough'.

So I'm very grateful for this timely little fact sheet at the beginning of a school Term, a perfect time to take leave from an extremely gracious and generous boss. The timing of my discovery only ingrains my certainty that my Dad is boss of the timing of everything too. I wonder about his timing of me finding the fact sheet now, rather than earlier. But all things good come from him, whenever they come, so I'm not complaining!

This made me Angry

Nigeria Oil spill, The Age

No more to be said!

Yr 11 poem

Wow. I discovered some old year 11 & 12 creative writing pieces that I did, was it, 13 years ago? Jeepers. Creative writing is something I've always enjoyed and been reasonably ok at, but thought I would end up doing in another life; like when I was 50 and had met a multitude of people, travelled, or had had enough near-death experiences in exotic places to make the read worthwhile. So I never entered that creative writing course at Deakin. Instead I went to La Trobe to be a Speech Path. After all, I'd knew I'd get bored in front of a computer without people after a few hours!

And now here I am, alone for hours on end at home, often with my computer! Ironic. Smiley face.

Here is a poem written when in Year 11, at 17: I have not changed a word of the original, after considering it!

Time

You meet; then ponder

It, Him, Her and feel some wonder

Yes! Positive. Sky is blue.

I'm of special consideration on the twelfth of August 1992.

And donc, one fumbles a tongue, or gestures

incorrectly:

And for a time

I'm left stunned, spiritually famished and standing quite erectly.

And the clock continues its emotional fluctuation

through souls on pilgrimage

in the World.

Behold the Cosine and Sine rule inventions:

A practical form describing

such whimsical intentions!

One makes torrid appeals

for one steadfast solution

to supplant this eternal scatter of 'wants' and 'feels'.

To rid of insensible pollution;

by screaming for a Rock to elevate me away...

and it works,

well, for a time anyhow.

******

Those 'emotional fluctuations' could have described my hormonal state as a teen. My mood, academic performance or self-esteem. The gist is, my sense of identity and security lay often squarely on the day's position on the sine/cosine graph (swinging up and down like a pendulum). But really, I think it was talking about my spiritual journey, or 'performance' even: Up and down; the frustrating, never-ending inevitability of that. I didn't see any meaning, narrative or progress. Just up and down. Up and down.

At that time, I knew what the Rock was, who it was... Jesus Christ. I'd experienced Him in person. Experienced the love and safety of his being, the indescribable joy of knowing deep inside that I'm eternally safe because of Jesus' gift. But you forget when learning. I forget today, learning. However, looking back, that rock is more and more the thing that meets me at the low point on the Y axis as well as the high. It's more automatic, that deference to the Rock, than back then.

So over this last decade or so, I've grown more thankful when things go well, acknowledging the Rock who's the one who blesses me with gifts, abilities or happy times. With growth in character or the ability to love better. And I go back (at least eventually) or cling tight to the Rock in the low, when I fail, grieve, am ill for so long, or think or act wrongly against the Creator of love and life itself, against the Rock himself. Or when I am just at a loss as to what to do.

And it 'works', every the time, running to that Rock. My Rock doesn't necessarily take me away from the mess, but that graph of feelings/happenings/performance/spiritual step-ups is not the master of my identity or fate. It is no indicator of my true spiritual state.

The Rock is. And he stays the same.
"...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our LORD." Rom 8:39

Smiley face.

The best waitresses are available for you

Just finished reading 'Surprised by the Voice of God" by Jack Deere (thanks Tri Nguyen for the lend!) and have been left challenged, excited and on edge about how to apply the stuff. It's a great read for a Jesus follower who might; a) think that God is to be heard purely through the bible alone and has great bible knowledge to back that up, b) knows that dreams, visions, prophecies etc are real but struggles to find a solid biblical framework through which to understand or exercise them, or c) is just hungry to know God more intimately.

The dude is a bible scholar and preacher/pastor who didn't really practice or believe in the operation of 'pentecostal' kind of gifts for the church after the early church had begun. The book demonstrates his depth of biblical understanding and solid, rational teaching. But his story and teaching draws us into the exhilarating journey of how God intervened and changed Jack, his attitude and re-shaped his God-grid; as Jack let him, with time.

The big stuff for me came in the 3rd last chapter: 'The kind of people who hear the voice of God". The truth he re-emphasises again and again is that scripture is of course the highest authority and must be the thing that tests and measures the 'voice' we hear. Alongside this though, without being available, willing to obey, or humble- God's still small voice will remain just a quiet hum amidst the background of gongs and radios, bulletins, tweets and vimeos that pass through our eyes and ears.

Like with any relationship; especially with God; I want to hear him while doing the dishes, being online, doing a net-transfer of cash, or in a conversation with someone, whilst also during my times of meditating on the Word of Jesus in the bible.

SO I'm on a mission to be available in particular to him. To be aware of my flawed ability to make the best decisions, really. Not independent as I'm inclined to be. To stop myself in my busy tracks and ask, 'what would you like, LORD?' Hopefully I'm willing to obey. Hopefully I can grow in this, and I expect to.

If you and I don't do the above, I fear that we may as well align ourselves with the 'teachers of the law' who diligently study the scriptures, but fail to come to Jesus himself (John 5:39) (http://www.biblestudytools.com/parallel-bible/passage.aspx?q=John+5%3A39&t=niv&t2=nlt)

I'm in a period of 'resting' right now as I've stopped doing a formal ministry with international students and immigrants. I wonder what is next. I'm only working in my job minimally. I have more time. Will that time be spent on more availability to God?

I strive and pray for it to be so!

Starting Out

Well here we are. Finally I'm entering the blogosphere... something I've honestly avoided with disdain. Surely writing your own thoughts to splash around the internet is somewhat vain?

For many it may be. But this is our culture! I am, however, slowly learning to become less judgmental, less black and white about labeling some things, because the universe is so big, God is bigger and I really don't know what the heck goes on in people's hearts and minds, even if I think I can guess.

For me, this serves as a new way for sharing the gems, pain, joy, dust and hope that the Creator Jesus has allowed and blessed me in this life, particularly as I'm generally housebound with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Several people have mentioned that I should write; a book, a blog, a journal, video of the things that God has been teaching me. So I guess now is the time for those nudges to move me to action.

I'll write about stuff I read and reflect on in the bible. Or forward things I've read that help me. For you who don't like the bible or read it, don't rule this out yet. Seriously, there is something for everybody in that book: the world's best seller, the most historically reliable compilation in the universe. I'll write about the connections between ordinary life and spiritual movement. I'll try to write honestly and variously.

May it be helpful to your soul, whoever you are. May it be a sweet aroma to the Watcher and Owner of everything:)