#8 Whirlwind (or quiet unraveling?) of Healing

(Before I begin this delicate topic, I wish to give sincere tribute and respect to those who have suffered for decades without healing, and don't see any in sight. There are many like this, including people in my family. I do not know why we do not see miracles and healing for every single person who has asked Jesus in their lifetime. I know that there are reasons, a lot of which we don't know or understand yet. Yet I do seek to understand them so more people can get healing. I know that the kingdom of Darkness wants people to stay in sickness and die. Yet 'God wills that none should perish' (2 Peter 3:9). Does everything that happens on this earth exactly what God wants? That is a topic of discussion for another day. However I do want to address the idea that God can and does heal, and that this is His ultimate desire for everyone. Read on if you dare!!)


Healing is a-happening. I am on a trajectory of healing! Yes indeed. 'What? Nutty?' I hope not! Well if I am, I hope it's being so for the real Jesus! He's the judge anyways.

Background: Around May last year (2011) I began to receive three random, yet curiously identical images, in three different contexts. They were of a pink rose unfurling.

First came a wonderful card from my Aunt. On the front was the rose, inside words of encouragement and hope in my situation.

Second was a prayer gathering for me and my health, a week or so later. One lady 'saw' a picture of a pink rose with it's petals unfurling, gently opening. She had the word 'healing' accompanying it. She said that it was a picture of my healing to come.

Then later mid-year, a new friend joined our little women's church group that meets in my home. They've met in my home mostly so I can attend, even for a little. It has been a great blessing to me. This new friend suddenly pipes up after prayer time, 'Kara, when I was praying I saw a picture of a rose opening, like in time-lapse photography..in stages..I believe it's to do with your healing, that it will come after a time of more frequent prayer. Soon.'
This was certainly enough to have my attention! I asked my new friend if the rose was a pink one. She said yes, it was.
If you have not experienced much of Christian 'prophecy', here's a little taste! I took this repetitive image and message to be a prophetic word of God of healing to come. I believe it to this day, for healing in this lifetime.
                                                                              ---      

Fast-forward a few months, I am wondering when this 'unfurling' will happen. I was trusting somewhat hesitantly in this 'word' I'd had: 'Healing to come, soon'. I would tell others about it, but alone I'd sometimes doubt..And I had questions. Still do. Like,
'Is it really for this lifetime, or just heaven? (I say yes, this lifetime!)
'When is soon?' (I don't know- am asking for before August).
'When and how do I receive more intense prayer?' (I'm seeking it out and getting some prayer most weeks so far. I'd love something regular to happen. Yet there's all my faithful friends and family praying persistently over the years.
It's not something I wanted to make happen really. It had to be in God's 'time', I felt. I literally assented in my mind to the word being true about my physical health. I believed it would happen because of the words. Interestingly, I also received repeated prophetic images and words of a boat on rocky seas, describing a rough ride, with Jesus as my anchor and desination. This was especially encouraging, acknowledging the realities and comfort of God being with me in the difficulties to come in the meanwhile, I supposed.
The pink rose didn't change much in my life circumstantially, because I didn't know when this healing should happen. However I did have much renewed hope and encouragement that God was involved in my personal story. So I decided to receive prayer for healing whenever possible and continue to 'wait upon the Lord', my reoccurring mantra and promise from Isaiah 40:

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary, 
   and young men stumble and fall; 
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD 
   will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
   they will run and not grow weary, 
   they will walk and not be faint.                                                                                 
(NB 'Wait for' is often used interchangeably with 'hope in' the Lord)


                                                                                            ---
Fast-Forward again to now.
Healing. Relevance? Do you get stressed regularly, or catch colds? Any negative thoughts? Or perhaps you are ill with a chronic illness and no cure like me. Perhaps disabled from birth.
Even if mostly healthy, I bet there is something in your life that's not the way things should be. Some oppressive force that seems to forever have the upper hand (eg. gambling/internet/porn addiction) over another or yourself? Did somebody wound you emotionally, even as a child- which deep down still haunts you today?
We all need healing in one kind or another, even if we are physically well enough. I happen to not be physically well, quite clearly.

Do you seek healing out?  I believe we do in many things.Why and how if so? Energy healing? Diet and organics? Sexual healing? Or perhaps Facebook- the social healer. I joke, clearly. But true observation, am I right?

Truth is: even if we have a cold, we will mostly do something to make it better, whether it be scoff a ton of vitamin Cs or rest up. We go to the doctor if our arm is broken. We seek out real care for our physical wounds, or other connections/feel-good stuff for those inner wounds to find some relief.

If God is real and made us (which I do believe), then surely he is the one who knows best about healing. And He is the one who is able to do it if anyone is, more than able. He is God after all! He went so far as to create our bodies with inherent self-healing mechanisms in them, like cell renewal every eight years.
It is interesting how many Christians will even when sick, first go to the doctor before bringing it to Jesus. Not that doctors aren't important, or God's agents for health. Or natural therapies. They can be and are helpful in many ways. But man-made (or found) solutions are mostly considered the true god of health. If this is you, do you think God has much to do with healing today? Deep down?

In November I was reminded by a surfing film-maker friend of how much I missed surfing, just watching his art. So after asking God, I took my board in faith with some friends to the beach for one weekend planned already. I didn't know we were going to a surf beach! Hadn't been on my board in 3 years. I didn't expect much to happen, as I was and am so unfit. Miraculously to me, after a little paddling, I jumped up on the board three times within 10 minutes, on little white-wash waves I concede, but waves nonetheless! I was reckless with joy that day as I have a deep and indescribable love for surfing. I had missed and tried to forget those waves like a long-lost lover after a break-up. This was an actual 'step' for me, of faith- of entering into the healing promised.

If you take the time to read the narratives of Jesus in the New Testament of the Bible, say in the account of Luke, there is story after story of healing.
Amazing healings. And also forgiveness: one kind of inner healing. And 'salvation' (note the word is linked with 'salve'- an healing ointment). They most often seem to be linked in the narratives. In the Eastern worldview of the Jews back then, all spheres of life were related and tied together. Other religions hold similar today. An example of this is the New Age spirituality movement concerning the connection between 'mind-body-spirit' and healing. I went to many of these festivals in the past.
There is a word in ancient Greek I have learnt transliterated as 'sozo' (disclaimer: I'm no scholar!) that encompasses the meanings of both 'healed' and 'saved' in some of these narratives in the Bible. I am not going to share here and now all that I have been learning and actually healed of in the last few months, because there's too much! That's what is so beautiful and exciting to me.
However I will share a few first off: About faith, and about God's compassion and desire to heal.

FAITH and GOD'S COMPASSION
Firstly, hearing real stories will inspire you and raise your expectations of what is possible with God, what he can do for you. This is called 'faith': that expectation. It is expressed in action somehow.

 Here is one lovely story of a guy who had ME for more than 20 years who was healed recently. Their faith drew them a long distance to a healing event with John Mellor, the Aussie healing evangelist (Yay, an Aussie!). Jesus is the healer in this video as John makes clear in his charming, down-to-earth manner. 'Give the Lord a hand!', will always come out amongst the funny shhuuuuupp noises he makes when praying in the other videos. Check out them out! There are copious healing testimony videos of various disorders including fibromyalgia, ME/CFS, and cancer!

Later, I read the story of another young woman locally- a friend of a new facebook friend who shared her healing story with me in a private facebook message: ME for 8 years, bedbound as a teenager- then one specific day, after regular prayer received from a faithful few, she was better! There's a date she felt the voice and change: to 'get up and walk'! Apparently she even looked quite different, she was told- after 2 weeks!

I hope you are inspired even a little.

Before I was to hear these stories, I ended up staying ('accidentally') at a healing retreat over Summer with my parents at Phillip Island. I had no idea it was a healing retreat center, I simply thought it was some kind of cheaper Christian accommodation. There I found book after book on healing. How had I managed to avoid reading a Christian book specifically dedicated to healing after 5 years of illness? I was a little astounded at my foolishness. Healing teaching and stories about real people, about God's desire to heal seen in Jesus' actions and his words to a leper 'I am willing' (Luke 5). Do read some of these stories if you haven't before! Read them again with fresh eyes if you have.. what do you notice? I recommend the book of Luke as a place to start.

As I devoured these books, trying to seek God about my life direction, I realised that God had an ongoing, deep compassion for me and my situation and for all who suffer. His personal care and concern hit me deeper than ever before. This was what he wanted me to discover. He is wanting to heal and release people from their oppressive and saddening situations. Me from mine! He is compassionate! Before I believed based on the prophetic word. But here I had all the evidence in the bible before me which I hadn't deeply believed, honestly. My faith wasn't based in His character, but in a repeated image of a flower. Now I was overwhelmed by his HUGE character of compassion evidenced in the scriptures themselves. Before, I didn't doubt God was able- but deep down I wondered whether he really wanted to. Part of me thought I was predominantly meant to suffer patiently and show God's glory through my weakness. Even now it passes through my mind.

Indeed we can give glory to God no matter what the situation with the peace and joy that God gives. people often commented on my peace and joy in the midst of my trials. It was a gift of his that I could, and I held to the truth that 'All things work for the good of those love him, who are called according to his purpose.' (Romans 8:28) But the question I now ask is: does the actual situation give the same glory to God as a miracle does? I believe I as a person can, but what of the wretched circumstance? Any hurt in life can be taken and made into something beautiful by God. He uses them for good like Joseph and his technicolour dream coat (you can read the story in Genesis 37-50, NB: Chapter 50:20). Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:38-39) if that is where you are, in Christ. However this is only one part of the story. What does the glory of heaven invading earth look like with Jesus?

We see the glory of God in his healing power through Jesus. It shows us who Jesus is. That He is God. He is THE great Physician! And God clearly cares for those who suffer. Enough to do something hard-core about it. God did not invent sickness. Rather sickness was twisted result of the fall of humanity. Sure, God must allow suffering and sickness to happen- death, since it's automatic consequence of sin in our world, the judgment, our groaning and cursed planet with the presence of evil personified (the devil) who loves to spread it. Evil that we sing to the tune of, even without knowing it. God sent Jesus to rescue us from these very things, especially the root cause; the curse of rebellion against God, our 'sin'. What does it mean now to overcome it?

But what does faith have to do with it, you may ask? Why doesn't God just take control and heal everyone now, if the above is true?
I do not have all the answers, even though I might come across that way sometimes, even to myself. I am very much on a steep learning curve right now. A new expectancy has arisen. I saw these videos and read. I visited John for prayer at a session and have been listening to his CDs. One thing I have learnt is that I do know that faith in Jesus is one key, life-changing mechanism taking people's suffering and turning it into miraculous healing- physical, social, mental, emotional and certainly spiritual. Whether it be that person's faith, or a friends' faith to pray, or the one to bring an invalid to Jesus like this man's girlfriend with Mellor. Like the friends of the paralysed man in Mark's account (ch.2). Spiritually, however if we continue in this journey, we need our own faith.

And what is faith? I've been granted a supernatural increase in this area lately. More God! It's not something I can describe easily, the experience, because it is something that one has to do or experience to know truly what it means. It's seen in action, yet it's a heart status. It comes through hearing the word of Jesus. It is a very real substance that is the 'evidence of things unseen'. It is a real thing. It is not an emotion or mental state, although both these can be and are affected. It is ultimately a gift, and really not so much about the levels that I have (remind me!), but what or who I put my faith  in- who will save and help me. And that is God. That is Jesus of Nazareth, the ultimate Healer, who demonstrated the same personality and power Yesterday (in history, his reputation remains uncontested by historians and believers alike) as he does Today (you see the stories on the videos) and Forever (Perfect Eternity with Jesus in Heaven).

The life of my heart over Jan/Feb/March 2012 has changed so much that it's hard to communicate in language. No event can help describe it all, though surfing and attending John's healing service certainly helped. There I witnessed miracle after miracle before my eyes (exactly as in the videos) at the service in Geelong, where one girl could even smell for the first time in her life!! There I was also encouraged to keep seeking a miracle, with shameless audacity and persistence as Jesus taught- since the 'seek' and 'knock' mentioned in Luke 11 above are in a present progressive tense, indicating a continuous seeking and knocking ('Seek and keep seeking. Knock and keep knocking' Mellor preached, as many healings happen over time). I've realised that my HEART is actually where much healing has been needed, since that is what stands between myself and God, and that is where my faith and receptiveness to his healing can be found if anywhere. Or perhaps some doubt and apathy that needs to be acknowledged. What is it for you?

Ultimate healing occurs in the heart when it receives Jesus and God's forgiveness for everything we've ever done against him and others. It occurs when it receives God's LOVE. It's through the extraordinary gift of Jesus' death- the penalty he paid for our sins on the cross. This is healing of the rebellious and deadly state we are in against God. This kind of healing is for everyone, the heart-miracle that lasts beyond this lifetime. 'Then Jesus said "Your sins are forgiven" (verse 48)'
So here are a few things that have happened in my heart with regard to healing and God.

- I am excited as I expect to see God to heal me physically soon, whenever exactly soon is. I can feel the 'unfurling' happening now as I press in, as faith and joy fill my heart.

-I am excited (no longer scared!) about surrendering everything that comes to mind to him, my future, my sins, my possessions, my heart. It's because I've been shown how good and gentle he really is. I'm allowing him to heal and forgive any unforgiving and negative thoughts inside- definitely key parts of healing!! Just as, if not more important.

- I believe that he wants healing for me and others. After all, heaven (God's Kingdom in full bloom) is made of glorious, shining bodies, never sick- like and with Jesus. That is a believer's eternal reality and destiny we are promised. For believers- at the very least, even death is only the doorway to full healing. And God's will is that none should die, but have life to the full!

- I now seek healing actively from Jesus, through persistent and 'pressing in' prayer (which I've learnt he responds to) when nothing seems to change. Daily, now. And I try to follow his leadings with what that looks like (ie. seek out a group to pray for me regularly, go to a naturopath (2 people brought it up in conversation in 1 week). All in a restful sense. I don't want to strive or be self or outcome-centred.

- I expect God to do far more than I 'ask or imagine' (Ephesians 3:20), so I am asking big (complete healing before August this year- big for me, though nothing for God!) and I am getting others to ask with me. I'm leaving the answering up to Him, according to his will, yet simultaneously believing that I've already received this healing- somehow! 'Lord I receive your healing power. I agree with your promise that 
'he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed' (Jesus on the cross- prophesied in Isaiah 53:5)
It's a weird yet wonderful journey- God help me on it!

These are just a few things.
Stay tuned for more! And may health and healing be yours. May you have faith in Jesus- that He wants to work his glory out in your life- and experience the joy and the reality of heavenly things that goes with!

Peace out:)

#5: Still dancing inside!

Well the dancing thing has helped! It has given me a way of expressing my creative side as well as my urge to worship God. I've had to time myself with my ipod clock- keep it under roughly 5 or 6 minutes (this month); 1 song, which is what I can cope with in terms of aerobic exercise at present.


I do strength exercises on alternate days still. This is only when I have not over-done it. Last week, over-doing it was seeing a few too many people after a trip to the hilly Dandenong mountains with my good friend from France (here only a month!). I also won't do exercise during post-exertional malaise (PEM), crash-time and for a few days after this, not until my 'immune flare-up' (as now succinctly described in the latest article  on immune signatures of CFS/ME (wait 45 seconds to download for free)) has resided. Discerning when to build a little strength again is quite hard sometimes... but I can usually tell nowadays.


I have actually weakened in my exercise capacity, and thus overal energy capacity. But hey- winter has set in, chills get caught more easily, especially when my ability to regulate body temperature is akin to getting a drunk man to walk straight. Again, part of the package. A package that means I need to be gracious towards myself when I get it wrong, whilst forgiving and educating others when they don't understand..


However, I need to learn from my mistakes. Always blow-dry my hair in the new house, even if it's sunny outside (or I will get a chill and crash). Try to do something biggish with a FORTNIGHT gap inbetween, not a week. So I probably won't go to Phillip Island this weekend as planned. I'll take it easy.


Gifts have come to me from outside and inside, to encourage me in the bad days of PEM, which was last weekend, and then some.


Outside: My friend Anna came today to play me a song on her guitar from a psalm in the bible. It was too loud, but it was beautiful. It wore me out when she strummed enthusiastically from less than a meter away (sensory overload)! We laughed about that when I told her because she thought she was blessing me, which she was- kind of!  Then she prayed for me. 'God loves you, Kara!' was the message. Beautiful! Very thankful.


From inside: remembering that God is all I have, and that if I'm to die now, I lose nothing, and gain everything (it often feels like death during PEM). 'To live is Christ, to die is gain' (Phillipians 1:21). Heaven is my home.


Another Outside encouragement- Reading the book of Lamentations, now in chapter 3. Along with the cries of the writer, I can also recognise that though I do not suffer because of specific sins (in contrast to the Israelites experiencing the punishment of horrific exile, as warned), it is true that considering my stubborn shunning of the Author of life over the years, nothing I do really has me deserving of the gift of life itself, let alone the deservedness of good health. This is actually encouraging because it reminds me again of God's grace to me, that he even graciously breathes life, keeps my heart-beat daily, enough to pour out my anguish to him, comforting me in the knowledge of his compassion, loving presence and faithfulness. And also, that God does not 'willingly afflict anyone'.


The writer repeatedly uses the ancient Hebrew terms (transliterated) 'yhl' and 'qwh' to refer to 'hoping' and 'waiting expectantly' simultaneously- for God. The promise is that for those who do so, his goodness comes. It's certainly something that any one of us can do! That's all God wants! What a relief: no more performing, just waiting for Him, with expectation that He is enough. We don't need numerological studies for a date to do this, unlike the apocalypse predicters this past weekend!


Recalling God's compassion amidst loss is the center-piece of this little bible gem Lamentations, as well as it's 3rd chapter, as is helpfully summarised by Barry Webb in 'Five Festal Garments: Christian reflections on The Song of songs, Ruth, Lamentations, Ecclesiastes and Esther'. I recommend this read for anyone who wishes to study this book and understand it!


What's also kept me dancing on the inside has been the encouragement of friends who have responded to the Chase Community Giving request this week. If you haven't already, vote for 'Whittemore Peterson Institute' in CCG, which supports research, advocacy and treatment for the pathophysiology of neuro-immune diseases such as ME/CFS, fibromyalgia, atypical MS, and autism. I emailed all my family and friends, and most of them haven't responded yet! Sometimes people need a little reminding. I'm encouraged by a fellow sufferer in the US to keep on at it, without shame or fear of annoying people. It's worth it, I have to remind myself! 


We all need hope, and I have discovered great perseverance and hope from fellow sufferers through years and years of this. Thanks for your inspiration- you know who you are! For me, my sure hope is in God, as his promise of full healing is found in Jesus who has healed, who does still, and one day that is what I will have for certain in him, physically, emotionally for good. This future hope helps me to keep working towards it today, and God's Spirit himself empowers me to dance towards it too! 


The following bible passage shows how this can be anyone! Simply through faith in Jesus- nothing religious/requiring of anything good on our part! Since we aren't, and can't really...


"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-4 9 (My italics)


Hope to you!

lesson #3: Dying, death, mortality and more death....it doesn't have to be so bad!

Disclaimer: I am no emo (though if YOU are, that's fine with me). But it has to be said that death is inevitable. That is one thing that we can be certain of, no matter how much we might want to avoid being dogged about 'any one truth'.
And no average person I know actually wants to think about it, do we? I even avoid all the 'I'm sick' blogs, stuff riddled with unease and dis-ease.
 'My sister's keeper' with feisty Cameron Diaz and her cancer-ridden daughter just had me sobbing all afternoon. The movie is honest about the reality of death. It's sad, horrible and not right. The uncertainty is merely when, the sister narrates. The best question I've been challenged to keep asking myself lately is: How do I die well? That is, not only at my deathbed, nor as though 'this could be my last day, so how make it great?' (both these important), but also everyday, dying to myself?

All of our bodies are disintegrating that bit more everyday. I (having CFS) feel 'closer to death' more days of the year than those of us without ongoing illnesses, as another CFS friend said to me once. I can feel so flat, weak and lifeless that everything all could just melt; some hours, some days. It feels my life really doesn't have much to it at times.

This is not a pity plea. The point is, I'm actually finding this experience (especially lately) an opportunity to enable this confounding spiritual power to rise up in these moments. It's incredible. Don't miss out on this trip, if you're near death, or not!

I implore you not to ride this off if you're atheist or just not a 'spiro' sort.

Here are some actual, historical and seemingly unrelated facts that everybody should know about, I believe (christians, it's good to be reminded!).

• Jesus of Nazareth was whipped, abused and killed for claiming deity; being God- at around 33AD. He died. But he also said it was his father's divine choice/will, over-and-above it as a consequence of his 'blasphemy'.

• Jesus also claimed he'd rise from death. Destroy his 'temple' (body) and rebuild it 3 days later*.
• Jesus did rise from the dead 3 days later. (over 500 witnesses*, no body to be produced to negate this, impossible for him to get out of a stoned-up tomb alive, even if at best in a coma, people willing to die for the truth of it, the list goes on. Check it out for yourself here (simple summary) or read some books*.
• Jesus said it was for payment, 'as a ransom for many (people)' (Mark 10:45), a payment for sins, our offenses of high-treason again the most High God- namely 'we're God, not you, get stuffed!'. He said that anyone who believed in him (Jesus), would not die, but have eternal life (John 3:16), all because of God's love for the world; for us enemies so we could become friends again with God. It's a cosmic swap; we sin, Jesus pays for it in death. He rises to life, we get his life, his righteous identity and Spirit too, plus inseparable connection to God as children. Seem a little extravagant? Indeed. Unfair? Seems so. But God's justice is shown in that he didn't let horrendous crimes go unpunished (Romans 3:25)- they were on the cross. God certainly get's the raw end of the deal it seems. Very weird. Outrageous in fact. But it shows real LOVE, doesn't it?!

So if he did rise, and thus showing he is God and thus does give eternal life to believers,........

..then everything really, really is ok, as you trust him, whenever. It's a promise. Some promises I don't trust, like when some of my family members say they'll be somewhere on time, *ahem. But Jesus to me is always trustworthy, 'cos he's proven it. In history, and personally to me everyday. Jesus never promised a problem free life. His was riddled with our problems, so why should we expect better? Here are some promises for later, mixed with experiences for now, that believers have, that I've experienced even more richly through suffering:

Now: His indestructible life and presence within.

Later: fully glorious ('fully sic') bodies after we die (Think super-heroe style? Or not, up to you:)

Now; freedom and forgiveness, a love-filled heart and purpose, joy, hope, peace...

Later; perfect bodies, minds, jokes, relationships, water, animals and earth.. everything thriving in the beautiful, glorious, so-hot-it's-blinding light of Jesus the King.

This bible verse is a clincher: "...we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence." (2 Cor 4:14)

The closer I feel to death on some days, the stronger this hope also feels. “For we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that this all-surpassing power comes from God and not from us. (2 Cor 4:7)” That is one of the miracles for me now. I long for heaven more, am more joyful and full of peace. Though bed-ridden often, I'm really happy (of course I feel sad too, at times)! I love God and his ways more, and as expected, long often for this mortal body to disappear to be 'swallowed up by life'. I want that sooner rather than later often (*mutter: 'stoopid body!')!

But it's not suicidal. I actually just long to be with God now, and later too. That's probably the biggest miracle, my changed heart.

So how does this help me live well, and die well, daily? The bible talks about dying daily, as part of the life of Jesus. Oxymoron or paradox:

'For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus Christ's sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal bodies.' 2 Cor 4:11'

The author, Paul, here is talking about the persecutions that go with following Jesus, and the hardships.

So my conclusion is thus: it would be selfish of me to just keep this beautiful joy and hope to myself and just stay in bed (as I must, often), hanging out for heaven. I can't and shouldn't, though I'm tempted to. So this is the actual reason why I blog now. I wouldn't bother, otherwise.

God's love makes me want to tell everyone about Jesus, to trust Jesus; no matter how stressful, hurtful, horrible, sickly or deathly their/your situation is. For me to die to me, I need to forget my fear of you, of people and what they think of me in my 'preaching'.

God's love makes me a thankful for his grace and compassion to do such a thing for us. To die to myself means to respond with grace and compassion toward others and reach out, despite my own needs, despite the cost of energy it may have. To spend what little energy I do have on glorifying God, by loving others, praying for others, loving him.

Choosing to stay with a sick family meant we all had conjunctivitis eyes (can you tell?) and I was trashed.  But i felt for Jesus' love, it's a small example of dying to myself to stay and love, despite the costs on health.

I don't always do this, sadly. And sometimes I don't know how. I'm torn between keeping myself healthy (to be better for later things) and doing something now that I know will make me worse but will benefit others now. And sometimes I just do what's best for me! Selfish? Sometimes. Sometimes not. It's a grey area- the answer changes from day to day. But thankfully I have a personal spiritual advisor 24/7 for those kind of questions. I'm a slow listener, but getter better with maturation. And hey, at least there is a cost to count (ie. limited energy)! That's reassuring. It seems that everyone could call themselves christian and it not cost anything, and thus mean nothing, these days. 

So, glorifying God. Again, I'm a slow learner, but I do see changes as days and months go by. 


If you are not a God-nutter, have you thought about death and what it will mean? Have you considered Jesus' story, the evidence and his offer? All good things in this life will come to the end. If you join Jesus, only the best and unspeakable joy, love and much more will be given along with the hardships, and later so much perfection and more that is unthinkable to the most imaginative of us. 

If you are christian, do you have deathly, testing moments these days that can be embraced to meet Jesus in his death, and let him meet you there? The cross is not merely an access code to heaven, but a means of mentoring and helping us along the process of reaching our deaths.

 Are there any trials at the moment that can remind you that you are mortal, a brief moment in history (like grass on a 'black saturday')? And that this life is only 'a door through the last barrier (our earthly existence) that keeps us from eternal life and the radiant gladness of knowing our Creator face to face'? (Dawn, M; p226)

JESUS' DEATH WE DESERVED, he took

Any Bad events or even people that you wish didn't exist that can be used to draw you closer to God, to rely on him more, to pray more, to love him more than his good gifts (that might temporarily or permanently have disappeared, including this life)?

Any trapping addictions of your natural self that you can 'put to death' today with the Spirit's power? (Romans 8:13)


We have a great high-priest who has suffered everything. He understands the pain and weakness (read Hebrews, partic. 2:18). Get into him.

Refs:

The bible:


-the book of Mark, partic 8:29-30, 9:30, 31, 10:29-31, chapters 11 onwards..or any other gospel for that matter..
- 2 Corinthians 4


-The Case for Christ, Lee Strobel
-'More than a carpenter', Josh McDowell (for a short read...
-'Is the new testament reliable?' Paul Barnett.
-"Being well when you're ill: Wholeness and hope in spite of infirmity.', Marva Dawn. This book has provided lots of inspiration for this post. Credit here!

Things I've learnt #2: I am a control freak

I'm a control freak. It's in My nature to make goals, plans, conjure up exciting visions in my mind about conversations that will take place where ....well, stuff I dream about happens. Where God will do cool things to change people's lives; and of course, I will get to be a part of it somehow. I don't care how, just somehow! But I'm on the scene, in the picture.

Since getting chronic fatigue syndrome, I've been out of the scene, many scenes for a few years now. Those scenes where I can be with people, live life wildly and openly, fully, and verbally and practically share the love of Jesus; making difference wherever I go. So now,  it's like: "What the...?! Why? That really cool plan I had that I was working out with your help, God; that plan did not happen! How come? Don't you want me to be involved in this obviously helpful way? Aren't I useful to you? Weren't you into this plan, like you know, sharing Jesus' n stuff: isn't that what you want in the world? The harvest is plenty, the workers are few etc..? Seriously. Surely this isn't just all my idea?"

Unless I could be involved to make something happen, I just couldn't see how certain things could get done (if nobody else was doing them), those things that I believed God wanted. Retrospectively, I realise I did not believe God was really God.

Some ideas he didn't put in my heart, it was all my dreaming. Not bad, just good dreams. Ironically, though, many of those things he did put there. For example; starting up this outreach group for migrants and international students. Oh yeah. It started alright. God graciously enabled me to begin with a couple of people. But for some weird reason, I got sicker this year, so now I can't be involved. Now others are leading it. It's growing. People are being refreshed by international community, love and discovering Jesus. People are growing. And I"M NOT there!

Began as a small women's english group

It grew to be an all-inclusive bible study group ('09). It's bigger today, but I don't have photos!

I could be useful there, maybe? Or so I thought. But God has not allowed me to be well enough yet to be.
Maybe it's because he wants me to see that HE is literally the one in control, who has the plan, who knows that I'm just a tiny little weak item/package of flesh with a spirit, mind and heart that one day will be rejuvenated after dust- totally without my help.

Oh, I can still be involved! I can pray! God can use my circumstance and my heart for his glory, but he really doesn't need me to boss him around about his kingdom and what it's gonna look like with me at center-stage.

Oops God, sorry! (sheepish face)

That's lesson #2:)

#1 of Stuff God's Taught Me: Gratitude.

This topic is something that my friends have encouraged me to write about. So I'm going to try and do that. This will take weeks to write down possibly, so stay tuned. Dot-points are more easily digested. These come in no particular order, only what's immediate to my mind. Either you're interested in God, or interested in how illness or experiences change you. So hopefully I can satisfy both crowds somewhat but mainly be true in what I say!


 God has....

#1
 Taught me more about daily gratitude (thankfulness!) for everyday things that earlier on I took for granted. Things like air, breath, the ability to stand up or do something for myself. Australia, that provides the pension. A job if I want it. Friends who visit. Food. Family. Water. A roof and heater that works. People who don't abuse me. A spiritual family- my local church and other christians. The internet so I can remain connected to the outside world.

That's some of the basic life/material stuff.

Then there's the Spirit of God with me, despite how I feel. A bible for me to read and feed me. Jesus having taken my punishment on himself. Jesus' perfection given to me. God's patience, provision, gentleness and gracious Love, seen in the daily, occasional and often unexpectedly well-timed provision of all those things I listed in the first paragraph.

Pulling right back...

Thank you my Creator, thank you CFS/ME Oz. I've decided (with good counsel) not to work anymore. No more paid work for 6 months as a Speechie. And to think my boss is happy for me! A little volunteer admin for my clinic, yep- no worries! But no more pressure to get out of the house, dressed, fed, ready, help and engage with difficult dyslexic child, write, chat to boss, drive, home, crash! I'm so relieved, despite my ongoing need for a little extra cash (to top up the pension). Yeah, I'm being taught not to worry about money. My Big Brother happens to own all the assets in the universe so I'm trying to remember that.

For those with fatigue issues (be it CFS/ME, Fibromyalgia, POTS or other cause), please do check out this link from ME/CFS Australia on 'pacing'. http://www.mecfs.org.au//media/files/factsheets/English-Sheet4.pdf That is, pacing your activity/energy so that you not only survive, but allow space to heal and get better!! Yeah commmooonnn!

I should have read this document 3 years ago. My instinct was saying that even 1 client a week plus admin was too much (my current working level). Having checked an objective measuring scale of disability, I should be aiming for 50% of my capability each day, to get 'energy credit', kind of like a budget for savings, for healing. I've been using up all my weekly budget without allowing any 'slush' fund for my mitochondria (energy-making machines in cells) to draw from. Thus, when I bring myself into an energy deficit, I'm slowly decreasing what's left of any savings (if any) and making things worse. Well, that's one aspect of the picture, but a big one at that. The measurement scale told me where I was function-wise, and what I should be doing. I have not been doing 'less enough'.

So I'm very grateful for this timely little fact sheet at the beginning of a school Term, a perfect time to take leave from an extremely gracious and generous boss. The timing of my discovery only ingrains my certainty that my Dad is boss of the timing of everything too. I wonder about his timing of me finding the fact sheet now, rather than earlier. But all things good come from him, whenever they come, so I'm not complaining!

Starting Out

Well here we are. Finally I'm entering the blogosphere... something I've honestly avoided with disdain. Surely writing your own thoughts to splash around the internet is somewhat vain?

For many it may be. But this is our culture! I am, however, slowly learning to become less judgmental, less black and white about labeling some things, because the universe is so big, God is bigger and I really don't know what the heck goes on in people's hearts and minds, even if I think I can guess.

For me, this serves as a new way for sharing the gems, pain, joy, dust and hope that the Creator Jesus has allowed and blessed me in this life, particularly as I'm generally housebound with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Several people have mentioned that I should write; a book, a blog, a journal, video of the things that God has been teaching me. So I guess now is the time for those nudges to move me to action.

I'll write about stuff I read and reflect on in the bible. Or forward things I've read that help me. For you who don't like the bible or read it, don't rule this out yet. Seriously, there is something for everybody in that book: the world's best seller, the most historically reliable compilation in the universe. I'll write about the connections between ordinary life and spiritual movement. I'll try to write honestly and variously.

May it be helpful to your soul, whoever you are. May it be a sweet aroma to the Watcher and Owner of everything:)