A scrawled poem I stumbled upon still sums me up

I am a weakling, and you are strong

You are the Light whilst I hold dark portions

What- that this fragile and broken, black pot

has strangely, with thanks become your home!

It is not at all what I chose on that day;

Ability suddenly syphoned away

But You show your glory in weaklings you say

So hope in me here I with joy; wait and pray.

lesson #4: All things, good and evil can be used for our ultimate good.

So for 2010 pretty much, not much has changed physically for me. I'm still pretty housebound. I now can't walk that far, like around the block is a Great day for me, physically. If that, I feel on top of the world! I still keep doing my strength exercises like push-ups and crunches, but then one day I might accidently do one too many on top of a busy day previously, and before you know it, I've crashed. Back to square one it seems, after a week almost of recovery. My body is SOoo sensitive! I have to walk on eggshells for it, it seems, and even then, one false move, and merciless punishment awaits. Sickliness to be abhorred!


But I've been learning again and again over the years the following: 
(Romans 8:28-29)
²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a]have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.


The context of this is 'our present sufferings' which we're told are not even worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us. (v18)


I find that very hard to grasp when the sickliness seems so overwhelming, overpowering. But it's in these moments that I recall that even this moment of yuck is being used by God for my good...Why?


It's so I can be conformed to the image of his Son: Jesus! What an honour! He is using my sufferings to help me become like Jesus- because Jesus had to suffer faithfully before God to demonstrate his complete obedience:
(Hebrews 5: 8 'Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered ⁹ and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him.')
 If I'm Jesus' sister, then why would I get out of learning the same, his way? 
Jesus was sinless, yet needed to demonstrate his obedience for God's saving purposes. I'm sinFUL, and need to be CHANGED through his obedience-bought salvation. I need to be changed by him, through trials, so that I can learn what it means to really honour God when things aren't as I want, or even should be.
To learn to obey and rejoice in suffering is...:
To really live for his glory, not for pleasure.
To live for heaven, not this earth and it's gifts.
To live for Jesus and not for myself.


Suffering can help us fix our eyes on what is important...relationships, love, the meaning of life, of death. And like patience is only learnt when it's tested by an annoying child (or mother?!), obedience and becoming like Jesus is mostly learnt it seems from going through experiences that test that allegiance.


The test could be anything!
But it's soo worth sticking it out. Because the crown we receive is not worth comparing to our 'brief' struggles, no matter how arduous they feel. Again,  Romans 8:¹⁸ I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.' And 2 Cor 4:17 'our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.' 


^{Wow. How amazing must heaven be? To outlast and outshine ALL my problems put together!} 
So, how do I endure and keep perspective?


I find comfort and focus in thinking and daydreaming of heaven. When things are horrible, it's often then I'm prompted by the Spirit to rejoice in God, because heaven awaits, and it I don't want it to be long, because I'm finding earth really hard right now!! So then I pray, 'Come Lord Jesus', and things feel right. Then I remember that God still has a plan for me to be a blessing to God and others on this earth before he comes- to see heaven invade earth now, and I've a heck of a lot of changing and blessing to do and be still, so I push into prayer and Jesus. I repent of my failings and distractions, and relax; 'cos I know it's Jesus who justifies me each day as God's child, through his sacrifice, not my good works. I get snagged so easy with addictions to ebay, the net and other things, then the battle changes to other things. Say, spiritual pride when I'm doing well; what a joke!  But God is winning in my heart, bit by bit!! He'll finish the job on me, I'm promised; yes.
¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Cor 4)


So, suffering can be the most useful and beneficial thing we could experience, if we learn through it Jesus' way.


That's all for today (a sickly one at that!)..:D 

lesson #3: Dying, death, mortality and more death....it doesn't have to be so bad!

Disclaimer: I am no emo (though if YOU are, that's fine with me). But it has to be said that death is inevitable. That is one thing that we can be certain of, no matter how much we might want to avoid being dogged about 'any one truth'.
And no average person I know actually wants to think about it, do we? I even avoid all the 'I'm sick' blogs, stuff riddled with unease and dis-ease.
 'My sister's keeper' with feisty Cameron Diaz and her cancer-ridden daughter just had me sobbing all afternoon. The movie is honest about the reality of death. It's sad, horrible and not right. The uncertainty is merely when, the sister narrates. The best question I've been challenged to keep asking myself lately is: How do I die well? That is, not only at my deathbed, nor as though 'this could be my last day, so how make it great?' (both these important), but also everyday, dying to myself?

All of our bodies are disintegrating that bit more everyday. I (having CFS) feel 'closer to death' more days of the year than those of us without ongoing illnesses, as another CFS friend said to me once. I can feel so flat, weak and lifeless that everything all could just melt; some hours, some days. It feels my life really doesn't have much to it at times.

This is not a pity plea. The point is, I'm actually finding this experience (especially lately) an opportunity to enable this confounding spiritual power to rise up in these moments. It's incredible. Don't miss out on this trip, if you're near death, or not!

I implore you not to ride this off if you're atheist or just not a 'spiro' sort.

Here are some actual, historical and seemingly unrelated facts that everybody should know about, I believe (christians, it's good to be reminded!).

• Jesus of Nazareth was whipped, abused and killed for claiming deity; being God- at around 33AD. He died. But he also said it was his father's divine choice/will, over-and-above it as a consequence of his 'blasphemy'.

• Jesus also claimed he'd rise from death. Destroy his 'temple' (body) and rebuild it 3 days later*.
• Jesus did rise from the dead 3 days later. (over 500 witnesses*, no body to be produced to negate this, impossible for him to get out of a stoned-up tomb alive, even if at best in a coma, people willing to die for the truth of it, the list goes on. Check it out for yourself here (simple summary) or read some books*.
• Jesus said it was for payment, 'as a ransom for many (people)' (Mark 10:45), a payment for sins, our offenses of high-treason again the most High God- namely 'we're God, not you, get stuffed!'. He said that anyone who believed in him (Jesus), would not die, but have eternal life (John 3:16), all because of God's love for the world; for us enemies so we could become friends again with God. It's a cosmic swap; we sin, Jesus pays for it in death. He rises to life, we get his life, his righteous identity and Spirit too, plus inseparable connection to God as children. Seem a little extravagant? Indeed. Unfair? Seems so. But God's justice is shown in that he didn't let horrendous crimes go unpunished (Romans 3:25)- they were on the cross. God certainly get's the raw end of the deal it seems. Very weird. Outrageous in fact. But it shows real LOVE, doesn't it?!

So if he did rise, and thus showing he is God and thus does give eternal life to believers,........

..then everything really, really is ok, as you trust him, whenever. It's a promise. Some promises I don't trust, like when some of my family members say they'll be somewhere on time, *ahem. But Jesus to me is always trustworthy, 'cos he's proven it. In history, and personally to me everyday. Jesus never promised a problem free life. His was riddled with our problems, so why should we expect better? Here are some promises for later, mixed with experiences for now, that believers have, that I've experienced even more richly through suffering:

Now: His indestructible life and presence within.

Later: fully glorious ('fully sic') bodies after we die (Think super-heroe style? Or not, up to you:)

Now; freedom and forgiveness, a love-filled heart and purpose, joy, hope, peace...

Later; perfect bodies, minds, jokes, relationships, water, animals and earth.. everything thriving in the beautiful, glorious, so-hot-it's-blinding light of Jesus the King.

This bible verse is a clincher: "...we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence." (2 Cor 4:14)

The closer I feel to death on some days, the stronger this hope also feels. “For we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that this all-surpassing power comes from God and not from us. (2 Cor 4:7)” That is one of the miracles for me now. I long for heaven more, am more joyful and full of peace. Though bed-ridden often, I'm really happy (of course I feel sad too, at times)! I love God and his ways more, and as expected, long often for this mortal body to disappear to be 'swallowed up by life'. I want that sooner rather than later often (*mutter: 'stoopid body!')!

But it's not suicidal. I actually just long to be with God now, and later too. That's probably the biggest miracle, my changed heart.

So how does this help me live well, and die well, daily? The bible talks about dying daily, as part of the life of Jesus. Oxymoron or paradox:

'For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus Christ's sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal bodies.' 2 Cor 4:11'

The author, Paul, here is talking about the persecutions that go with following Jesus, and the hardships.

So my conclusion is thus: it would be selfish of me to just keep this beautiful joy and hope to myself and just stay in bed (as I must, often), hanging out for heaven. I can't and shouldn't, though I'm tempted to. So this is the actual reason why I blog now. I wouldn't bother, otherwise.

God's love makes me want to tell everyone about Jesus, to trust Jesus; no matter how stressful, hurtful, horrible, sickly or deathly their/your situation is. For me to die to me, I need to forget my fear of you, of people and what they think of me in my 'preaching'.

God's love makes me a thankful for his grace and compassion to do such a thing for us. To die to myself means to respond with grace and compassion toward others and reach out, despite my own needs, despite the cost of energy it may have. To spend what little energy I do have on glorifying God, by loving others, praying for others, loving him.

Choosing to stay with a sick family meant we all had conjunctivitis eyes (can you tell?) and I was trashed.  But i felt for Jesus' love, it's a small example of dying to myself to stay and love, despite the costs on health.

I don't always do this, sadly. And sometimes I don't know how. I'm torn between keeping myself healthy (to be better for later things) and doing something now that I know will make me worse but will benefit others now. And sometimes I just do what's best for me! Selfish? Sometimes. Sometimes not. It's a grey area- the answer changes from day to day. But thankfully I have a personal spiritual advisor 24/7 for those kind of questions. I'm a slow listener, but getter better with maturation. And hey, at least there is a cost to count (ie. limited energy)! That's reassuring. It seems that everyone could call themselves christian and it not cost anything, and thus mean nothing, these days. 

So, glorifying God. Again, I'm a slow learner, but I do see changes as days and months go by. 


If you are not a God-nutter, have you thought about death and what it will mean? Have you considered Jesus' story, the evidence and his offer? All good things in this life will come to the end. If you join Jesus, only the best and unspeakable joy, love and much more will be given along with the hardships, and later so much perfection and more that is unthinkable to the most imaginative of us. 

If you are christian, do you have deathly, testing moments these days that can be embraced to meet Jesus in his death, and let him meet you there? The cross is not merely an access code to heaven, but a means of mentoring and helping us along the process of reaching our deaths.

 Are there any trials at the moment that can remind you that you are mortal, a brief moment in history (like grass on a 'black saturday')? And that this life is only 'a door through the last barrier (our earthly existence) that keeps us from eternal life and the radiant gladness of knowing our Creator face to face'? (Dawn, M; p226)

JESUS' DEATH WE DESERVED, he took

Any Bad events or even people that you wish didn't exist that can be used to draw you closer to God, to rely on him more, to pray more, to love him more than his good gifts (that might temporarily or permanently have disappeared, including this life)?

Any trapping addictions of your natural self that you can 'put to death' today with the Spirit's power? (Romans 8:13)


We have a great high-priest who has suffered everything. He understands the pain and weakness (read Hebrews, partic. 2:18). Get into him.

Refs:

The bible:


-the book of Mark, partic 8:29-30, 9:30, 31, 10:29-31, chapters 11 onwards..or any other gospel for that matter..
- 2 Corinthians 4


-The Case for Christ, Lee Strobel
-'More than a carpenter', Josh McDowell (for a short read...
-'Is the new testament reliable?' Paul Barnett.
-"Being well when you're ill: Wholeness and hope in spite of infirmity.', Marva Dawn. This book has provided lots of inspiration for this post. Credit here!

Things I've learnt #2: I am a control freak

I'm a control freak. It's in My nature to make goals, plans, conjure up exciting visions in my mind about conversations that will take place where ....well, stuff I dream about happens. Where God will do cool things to change people's lives; and of course, I will get to be a part of it somehow. I don't care how, just somehow! But I'm on the scene, in the picture.

Since getting chronic fatigue syndrome, I've been out of the scene, many scenes for a few years now. Those scenes where I can be with people, live life wildly and openly, fully, and verbally and practically share the love of Jesus; making difference wherever I go. So now,  it's like: "What the...?! Why? That really cool plan I had that I was working out with your help, God; that plan did not happen! How come? Don't you want me to be involved in this obviously helpful way? Aren't I useful to you? Weren't you into this plan, like you know, sharing Jesus' n stuff: isn't that what you want in the world? The harvest is plenty, the workers are few etc..? Seriously. Surely this isn't just all my idea?"

Unless I could be involved to make something happen, I just couldn't see how certain things could get done (if nobody else was doing them), those things that I believed God wanted. Retrospectively, I realise I did not believe God was really God.

Some ideas he didn't put in my heart, it was all my dreaming. Not bad, just good dreams. Ironically, though, many of those things he did put there. For example; starting up this outreach group for migrants and international students. Oh yeah. It started alright. God graciously enabled me to begin with a couple of people. But for some weird reason, I got sicker this year, so now I can't be involved. Now others are leading it. It's growing. People are being refreshed by international community, love and discovering Jesus. People are growing. And I"M NOT there!

Began as a small women's english group

It grew to be an all-inclusive bible study group ('09). It's bigger today, but I don't have photos!

I could be useful there, maybe? Or so I thought. But God has not allowed me to be well enough yet to be.
Maybe it's because he wants me to see that HE is literally the one in control, who has the plan, who knows that I'm just a tiny little weak item/package of flesh with a spirit, mind and heart that one day will be rejuvenated after dust- totally without my help.

Oh, I can still be involved! I can pray! God can use my circumstance and my heart for his glory, but he really doesn't need me to boss him around about his kingdom and what it's gonna look like with me at center-stage.

Oops God, sorry! (sheepish face)

That's lesson #2:)