A scrawled poem I stumbled upon still sums me up

I am a weakling, and you are strong

You are the Light whilst I hold dark portions

What- that this fragile and broken, black pot

has strangely, with thanks become your home!

It is not at all what I chose on that day;

Ability suddenly syphoned away

But You show your glory in weaklings you say

So hope in me here I with joy; wait and pray.

#5: Still dancing inside!

Well the dancing thing has helped! It has given me a way of expressing my creative side as well as my urge to worship God. I've had to time myself with my ipod clock- keep it under roughly 5 or 6 minutes (this month); 1 song, which is what I can cope with in terms of aerobic exercise at present.


I do strength exercises on alternate days still. This is only when I have not over-done it. Last week, over-doing it was seeing a few too many people after a trip to the hilly Dandenong mountains with my good friend from France (here only a month!). I also won't do exercise during post-exertional malaise (PEM), crash-time and for a few days after this, not until my 'immune flare-up' (as now succinctly described in the latest article  on immune signatures of CFS/ME (wait 45 seconds to download for free)) has resided. Discerning when to build a little strength again is quite hard sometimes... but I can usually tell nowadays.


I have actually weakened in my exercise capacity, and thus overal energy capacity. But hey- winter has set in, chills get caught more easily, especially when my ability to regulate body temperature is akin to getting a drunk man to walk straight. Again, part of the package. A package that means I need to be gracious towards myself when I get it wrong, whilst forgiving and educating others when they don't understand..


However, I need to learn from my mistakes. Always blow-dry my hair in the new house, even if it's sunny outside (or I will get a chill and crash). Try to do something biggish with a FORTNIGHT gap inbetween, not a week. So I probably won't go to Phillip Island this weekend as planned. I'll take it easy.


Gifts have come to me from outside and inside, to encourage me in the bad days of PEM, which was last weekend, and then some.


Outside: My friend Anna came today to play me a song on her guitar from a psalm in the bible. It was too loud, but it was beautiful. It wore me out when she strummed enthusiastically from less than a meter away (sensory overload)! We laughed about that when I told her because she thought she was blessing me, which she was- kind of!  Then she prayed for me. 'God loves you, Kara!' was the message. Beautiful! Very thankful.


From inside: remembering that God is all I have, and that if I'm to die now, I lose nothing, and gain everything (it often feels like death during PEM). 'To live is Christ, to die is gain' (Phillipians 1:21). Heaven is my home.


Another Outside encouragement- Reading the book of Lamentations, now in chapter 3. Along with the cries of the writer, I can also recognise that though I do not suffer because of specific sins (in contrast to the Israelites experiencing the punishment of horrific exile, as warned), it is true that considering my stubborn shunning of the Author of life over the years, nothing I do really has me deserving of the gift of life itself, let alone the deservedness of good health. This is actually encouraging because it reminds me again of God's grace to me, that he even graciously breathes life, keeps my heart-beat daily, enough to pour out my anguish to him, comforting me in the knowledge of his compassion, loving presence and faithfulness. And also, that God does not 'willingly afflict anyone'.


The writer repeatedly uses the ancient Hebrew terms (transliterated) 'yhl' and 'qwh' to refer to 'hoping' and 'waiting expectantly' simultaneously- for God. The promise is that for those who do so, his goodness comes. It's certainly something that any one of us can do! That's all God wants! What a relief: no more performing, just waiting for Him, with expectation that He is enough. We don't need numerological studies for a date to do this, unlike the apocalypse predicters this past weekend!


Recalling God's compassion amidst loss is the center-piece of this little bible gem Lamentations, as well as it's 3rd chapter, as is helpfully summarised by Barry Webb in 'Five Festal Garments: Christian reflections on The Song of songs, Ruth, Lamentations, Ecclesiastes and Esther'. I recommend this read for anyone who wishes to study this book and understand it!


What's also kept me dancing on the inside has been the encouragement of friends who have responded to the Chase Community Giving request this week. If you haven't already, vote for 'Whittemore Peterson Institute' in CCG, which supports research, advocacy and treatment for the pathophysiology of neuro-immune diseases such as ME/CFS, fibromyalgia, atypical MS, and autism. I emailed all my family and friends, and most of them haven't responded yet! Sometimes people need a little reminding. I'm encouraged by a fellow sufferer in the US to keep on at it, without shame or fear of annoying people. It's worth it, I have to remind myself! 


We all need hope, and I have discovered great perseverance and hope from fellow sufferers through years and years of this. Thanks for your inspiration- you know who you are! For me, my sure hope is in God, as his promise of full healing is found in Jesus who has healed, who does still, and one day that is what I will have for certain in him, physically, emotionally for good. This future hope helps me to keep working towards it today, and God's Spirit himself empowers me to dance towards it too! 


The following bible passage shows how this can be anyone! Simply through faith in Jesus- nothing religious/requiring of anything good on our part! Since we aren't, and can't really...


"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-4 9 (My italics)


Hope to you!

Mourning into dancing

"Dry your tears, for soon you shall dance." This was a word given to me at a praise and prayer gathering at my church last Saturday.


Dare I believe it? I will. With all my heart. I've already been dancing. 
This process began when a night of grief overtook me after I began to play the piano on Friday for the first time in, shall we say, a little while? What a waste of this gift that God had given me! So beautiful, these song-gifts. 


I've hardly shared them over the last year. Hardly played alone even. I've been too unmotivated, too fatigued, too burdened with my 'to do' list when I DO have energy, that I've let this gift lie dormant.


But they're not dead I've realised. God knows, he is gracious and has a plan.


Since a night of lament and praise- a public display of grieving and tears, receiving joy, hope, prayers, words and hugs from beautiful women who held me up so I could dance to the last song- I have been released in a new way, again.


I'd been praying about what kind of exercise to do that would actually get me fitter and stronger; out of this frustrating plateau of cyclic floppiness! 


The answer came on Sunday morning following. I can dance! I love to dance before God. I've missed this so much without knowing. This morning, for the second time, I did it in the garden, in front of our hard-rubbish pool on the grass with my ipod pumping 'I surrender...to youuuu... Your love makes it worth it all...' Maybe I'll have over-done it today. Who knows? But either way, my songs are flowing again, my love is growing, his love keeps flowing, and I am joyfully not in control of my days. 


A new day is today. Tomorrow is newer still. And God never takes you backward in his love, only deeper and forward, and I can not wait to see how and where that will be. And it's so like Jesus to give us all of this:

Isaiah 61:
¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, 
   because the LORD has anointed me 
   to proclaim good news to the poor. 
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 
   to proclaim freedom for the captives 
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a] 
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor 
   and the day of vengeance of our God, 
to comfort all who mourn, 
 ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion— 
to bestow on them a crown of beauty 
   instead of ashes, 
the oil of joy 
   instead of mourning, 
and a garment of praise 
   instead of a spirit of despair. 
They will be called oaks of righteousness, 
   a planting of the LORD 
   for the display of his splendor.

lesson #3: Dying, death, mortality and more death....it doesn't have to be so bad!

Disclaimer: I am no emo (though if YOU are, that's fine with me). But it has to be said that death is inevitable. That is one thing that we can be certain of, no matter how much we might want to avoid being dogged about 'any one truth'.
And no average person I know actually wants to think about it, do we? I even avoid all the 'I'm sick' blogs, stuff riddled with unease and dis-ease.
 'My sister's keeper' with feisty Cameron Diaz and her cancer-ridden daughter just had me sobbing all afternoon. The movie is honest about the reality of death. It's sad, horrible and not right. The uncertainty is merely when, the sister narrates. The best question I've been challenged to keep asking myself lately is: How do I die well? That is, not only at my deathbed, nor as though 'this could be my last day, so how make it great?' (both these important), but also everyday, dying to myself?

All of our bodies are disintegrating that bit more everyday. I (having CFS) feel 'closer to death' more days of the year than those of us without ongoing illnesses, as another CFS friend said to me once. I can feel so flat, weak and lifeless that everything all could just melt; some hours, some days. It feels my life really doesn't have much to it at times.

This is not a pity plea. The point is, I'm actually finding this experience (especially lately) an opportunity to enable this confounding spiritual power to rise up in these moments. It's incredible. Don't miss out on this trip, if you're near death, or not!

I implore you not to ride this off if you're atheist or just not a 'spiro' sort.

Here are some actual, historical and seemingly unrelated facts that everybody should know about, I believe (christians, it's good to be reminded!).

• Jesus of Nazareth was whipped, abused and killed for claiming deity; being God- at around 33AD. He died. But he also said it was his father's divine choice/will, over-and-above it as a consequence of his 'blasphemy'.

• Jesus also claimed he'd rise from death. Destroy his 'temple' (body) and rebuild it 3 days later*.
• Jesus did rise from the dead 3 days later. (over 500 witnesses*, no body to be produced to negate this, impossible for him to get out of a stoned-up tomb alive, even if at best in a coma, people willing to die for the truth of it, the list goes on. Check it out for yourself here (simple summary) or read some books*.
• Jesus said it was for payment, 'as a ransom for many (people)' (Mark 10:45), a payment for sins, our offenses of high-treason again the most High God- namely 'we're God, not you, get stuffed!'. He said that anyone who believed in him (Jesus), would not die, but have eternal life (John 3:16), all because of God's love for the world; for us enemies so we could become friends again with God. It's a cosmic swap; we sin, Jesus pays for it in death. He rises to life, we get his life, his righteous identity and Spirit too, plus inseparable connection to God as children. Seem a little extravagant? Indeed. Unfair? Seems so. But God's justice is shown in that he didn't let horrendous crimes go unpunished (Romans 3:25)- they were on the cross. God certainly get's the raw end of the deal it seems. Very weird. Outrageous in fact. But it shows real LOVE, doesn't it?!

So if he did rise, and thus showing he is God and thus does give eternal life to believers,........

..then everything really, really is ok, as you trust him, whenever. It's a promise. Some promises I don't trust, like when some of my family members say they'll be somewhere on time, *ahem. But Jesus to me is always trustworthy, 'cos he's proven it. In history, and personally to me everyday. Jesus never promised a problem free life. His was riddled with our problems, so why should we expect better? Here are some promises for later, mixed with experiences for now, that believers have, that I've experienced even more richly through suffering:

Now: His indestructible life and presence within.

Later: fully glorious ('fully sic') bodies after we die (Think super-heroe style? Or not, up to you:)

Now; freedom and forgiveness, a love-filled heart and purpose, joy, hope, peace...

Later; perfect bodies, minds, jokes, relationships, water, animals and earth.. everything thriving in the beautiful, glorious, so-hot-it's-blinding light of Jesus the King.

This bible verse is a clincher: "...we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence." (2 Cor 4:14)

The closer I feel to death on some days, the stronger this hope also feels. “For we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that this all-surpassing power comes from God and not from us. (2 Cor 4:7)” That is one of the miracles for me now. I long for heaven more, am more joyful and full of peace. Though bed-ridden often, I'm really happy (of course I feel sad too, at times)! I love God and his ways more, and as expected, long often for this mortal body to disappear to be 'swallowed up by life'. I want that sooner rather than later often (*mutter: 'stoopid body!')!

But it's not suicidal. I actually just long to be with God now, and later too. That's probably the biggest miracle, my changed heart.

So how does this help me live well, and die well, daily? The bible talks about dying daily, as part of the life of Jesus. Oxymoron or paradox:

'For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus Christ's sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal bodies.' 2 Cor 4:11'

The author, Paul, here is talking about the persecutions that go with following Jesus, and the hardships.

So my conclusion is thus: it would be selfish of me to just keep this beautiful joy and hope to myself and just stay in bed (as I must, often), hanging out for heaven. I can't and shouldn't, though I'm tempted to. So this is the actual reason why I blog now. I wouldn't bother, otherwise.

God's love makes me want to tell everyone about Jesus, to trust Jesus; no matter how stressful, hurtful, horrible, sickly or deathly their/your situation is. For me to die to me, I need to forget my fear of you, of people and what they think of me in my 'preaching'.

God's love makes me a thankful for his grace and compassion to do such a thing for us. To die to myself means to respond with grace and compassion toward others and reach out, despite my own needs, despite the cost of energy it may have. To spend what little energy I do have on glorifying God, by loving others, praying for others, loving him.

Choosing to stay with a sick family meant we all had conjunctivitis eyes (can you tell?) and I was trashed.  But i felt for Jesus' love, it's a small example of dying to myself to stay and love, despite the costs on health.

I don't always do this, sadly. And sometimes I don't know how. I'm torn between keeping myself healthy (to be better for later things) and doing something now that I know will make me worse but will benefit others now. And sometimes I just do what's best for me! Selfish? Sometimes. Sometimes not. It's a grey area- the answer changes from day to day. But thankfully I have a personal spiritual advisor 24/7 for those kind of questions. I'm a slow listener, but getter better with maturation. And hey, at least there is a cost to count (ie. limited energy)! That's reassuring. It seems that everyone could call themselves christian and it not cost anything, and thus mean nothing, these days. 

So, glorifying God. Again, I'm a slow learner, but I do see changes as days and months go by. 


If you are not a God-nutter, have you thought about death and what it will mean? Have you considered Jesus' story, the evidence and his offer? All good things in this life will come to the end. If you join Jesus, only the best and unspeakable joy, love and much more will be given along with the hardships, and later so much perfection and more that is unthinkable to the most imaginative of us. 

If you are christian, do you have deathly, testing moments these days that can be embraced to meet Jesus in his death, and let him meet you there? The cross is not merely an access code to heaven, but a means of mentoring and helping us along the process of reaching our deaths.

 Are there any trials at the moment that can remind you that you are mortal, a brief moment in history (like grass on a 'black saturday')? And that this life is only 'a door through the last barrier (our earthly existence) that keeps us from eternal life and the radiant gladness of knowing our Creator face to face'? (Dawn, M; p226)

JESUS' DEATH WE DESERVED, he took

Any Bad events or even people that you wish didn't exist that can be used to draw you closer to God, to rely on him more, to pray more, to love him more than his good gifts (that might temporarily or permanently have disappeared, including this life)?

Any trapping addictions of your natural self that you can 'put to death' today with the Spirit's power? (Romans 8:13)


We have a great high-priest who has suffered everything. He understands the pain and weakness (read Hebrews, partic. 2:18). Get into him.

Refs:

The bible:


-the book of Mark, partic 8:29-30, 9:30, 31, 10:29-31, chapters 11 onwards..or any other gospel for that matter..
- 2 Corinthians 4


-The Case for Christ, Lee Strobel
-'More than a carpenter', Josh McDowell (for a short read...
-'Is the new testament reliable?' Paul Barnett.
-"Being well when you're ill: Wholeness and hope in spite of infirmity.', Marva Dawn. This book has provided lots of inspiration for this post. Credit here!

Starting Out

Well here we are. Finally I'm entering the blogosphere... something I've honestly avoided with disdain. Surely writing your own thoughts to splash around the internet is somewhat vain?

For many it may be. But this is our culture! I am, however, slowly learning to become less judgmental, less black and white about labeling some things, because the universe is so big, God is bigger and I really don't know what the heck goes on in people's hearts and minds, even if I think I can guess.

For me, this serves as a new way for sharing the gems, pain, joy, dust and hope that the Creator Jesus has allowed and blessed me in this life, particularly as I'm generally housebound with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Several people have mentioned that I should write; a book, a blog, a journal, video of the things that God has been teaching me. So I guess now is the time for those nudges to move me to action.

I'll write about stuff I read and reflect on in the bible. Or forward things I've read that help me. For you who don't like the bible or read it, don't rule this out yet. Seriously, there is something for everybody in that book: the world's best seller, the most historically reliable compilation in the universe. I'll write about the connections between ordinary life and spiritual movement. I'll try to write honestly and variously.

May it be helpful to your soul, whoever you are. May it be a sweet aroma to the Watcher and Owner of everything:)